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FW: Dino

Something's afoot in the land of GOPasaurs, those crass, craven  creatures who rumble across the craton, roaring and wreaking havoc, stealing our resources, despoiling our environment, threatening the young, the sick, the weak, the differently-colored, differently oriented, and differently-abled with all manner of anguish, and generally consuming oxygen better spent on others. Despite their long dominance, some of this Mesozoic miscreants are showing serious signs of mortality. With millions of clever little mammals waiting in the wings, this could indeed be the Summer Of Discontent for some life-forms whose extinction is long overdue.

Here are just some of the entries on the Grim Reaper's list. As always, dear reader, your own contributions to the list are most welcome, as the Reaper clearly has his hands full with this Mesozoic mess.

Brontosaurus romneii, who should be basking on Caymanian shores on a substrate of cash, is instead roaming the craton, vocalizing his discontent with Obamasaurus rex. Still licking his wounds (a task he could easily afford to outsource), the always tiresome B. romneii, having avoided the miasmas of the Indochinese peninsula comfortably ensconced en France, has re-emerged as a military strategist par excellence. Or perhaps par excresance. Given his unparalleled wealth and dynastic brood, B. romneii can wait out the most patient of predators. One simply hopes he could do so in silence.

Behemasaurus christii: Time has not been kind to this former top predator, who was set to leave the New Jersey shores for the rarified air of the White Cave. Interference with land bridge migrations triggered his sudden decline to extinction, despite B. christii's insistence that Lower Life Forms in his basin were at fault for these Mesozoic misdeeds. An apparent paleo-pay-to-play scheme has also attracted the attention of Prosecutosaurs who smell blood in the water. These saurian scandals have eroded what clout remained, and this once powerful carnivore may soon be worth little more than his BTu value.

GetOffMyLawnASaurus mccainii: What? Still not extinct? Thousands of paleontologists shake their head, setting off fracking-induced-like quakes across the subcontinent. No, this gazilliagenarian, who unleashed the vile Griftasaurus palinii (q.v.) upon us, still bellowing his dismay with the Current State Of Affairs. The possibility of a re-engagement in the Tigris-Euphrates basin has re-animated this fossil, who cannot wait to send your offspring in search of the seven barrels of fossil fuel that will remain after ISIS torches the place.

Also eluding extinction with the help of Mesozoic medical miracles is the despised Cheneysaurus dickii, now joined by his satanic spawn, Cheneysaurus lizii. C. dickii and his Halliburtonian Hadrosaurs created a fabrication so convincing that thousands of Americasaurs headed to the Tigris-Euphrates basin and laid down their lives. The limbic-brained Cheneysaurs, despite their billions in fossil-fuel wealth, their tiny forelimbs dripping the blood of patriots, cannot wait to double down on their bet. Since their previous foray, however, the North American craton has become populated by clever little mammals who will not fall for this shit again.

Kochasaurus scottywalker: This witless puppet of the Kleptocracy has found himself mired in the Tar Pits of Malfeasance, leaving behind him a trail of electronic evidence that even the most mentally challenged saurian cretin could unravel. Will the Jurassic judicial system - a wholly-owned subsidiary of the Kochasaurs - be able to save little K. scottywalker from his half-witted hijinks, or will his fall into the abyss delight the schadenfreude-craving mammals? Paleo-economists suggest investing in popcorn futures.

Griftasaurus palinii: Unleashed upon the continent by the spiteful G. mccainii, this shrill harpy is the grift that keeps on giving. Prone to incomprehensible vocalizations, G. palinii has attached herself to such paleo-luminaries as Corposaurus tednugentii (q.v.) in a last gasp of relevance, utterly unaware that the continent has drifted out from beneath her Christian Louboutin-clad feet. Attempts by G. palinii's offspring to capitalize on her notoriety and establish a dino-dynasty have fallen short of laughable.

Archeopteryx bachmanii, another sad casualty of the Logic Wars, appears to have retreated to the cave she shares with the curious Marcusaur, emerging occasionally to splatter the unwitting forest inhabitants with another verbal "gift". One recalls with no small degree of uneasiness that this creature served as parent and role model to her own brood and many other offspring in an environment rife with disturbing phobias and beliefs. The fossil record will tell, but one has one's suspicions.

Lachrymosaurus boehnerii: Proof(!) positive that fermented liquids can preserve the long dead, this orange-skinned throwback to Triassic times is still among us. One can only wonder, "why"? Despite its vaunted position in the GOPasaur food chain, its entire existence appears focused on obstruction of any forward progress, hardly a sustainable plan for survival as those pesky little mammals are eating your lunch.

Coprosaurus tednugentii: The late Cretaceous has seen more than its share of disturbing mutations and unusual biological alliances. Both phenomena combine in this vile specimen, who wallowed in his own excrement to avoid combat and sought out extremely young females for sexual predation. For reasons too sickening to fathom, these behaviors endeared him to many GOPasaurs who saw in him... Who the hell knows what.

Velociraptor cantorii: Score one for the Grim Reaper! The beady-eyed schemer, known for his cold blood and quick reflexes, has Left The Building. V. cantorii, despite adjusting his gait to lurch ever further to the Right, was cruelly eviscerated by one of his own kind. Well, to be fair, an extreme version of his own kind. Shock waves rocked the craton with the news of the Clammy One's demise, for never did one reptile so completely embody the GOPasaur philosophy of self-preservation and self-advancement as did V. cantorii. Rest well, Clammy One. We've got this.

Finally, a special saurian shout-out to the rest of the GOPasaur governors, those Jurassic jackasses so obsessed with obstruction of Obamasaurus Rex that they let their own people go extinct rather than provide them with life-giving care. It takes a special kind of reptilian cold-bloodedness to doom your own species. Give yourselves a pat on the back, jackasses. Oh, sorry. Forgot you had those dinky little forelimbs. My bad.

Originally posted to cassandracarolina's fossil record on Fri Jun 20, 2014 at 11:26 AM PDT.

Also republished by Hydrant.

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