there was a young researcher that had had enough. Faced with the dragons of six sigma and motivational jargon she could take no more, "empower me" she cried, "you condescending assholes, take that" as she lopped off their heads and set fire to the shiny corporate castle. They were the type of jerks that would stick a pea in a princess's bed just for the hell of it, they had it coming.
Well that was the dream, the story is much more banal.
I worked for one of the largest corporations in the world as a both a researcher and as one of the lost souls of middle management. The whole objective often appeared to be to entrap you so that as a little possible was done with the maximum amount of wasted effort. In reality if we needed something new, we would just buy a company, then handicap that one as well.
There you were as the project winked at you and said "come play with me", oh the joy of it, then someone would wander over and say "but aren't you coming to the meeting", you would die a little. "What fucking meeting" you wailed, "how the hell should I know, but it sounds urgent" was the reply. "Oh one of those" as I flicked through my outlook agenda, "oh please, dear god, not one of those". There it was lurking and mentally blocked, a meeting about what we were going to talk about in the upcoming weekend's corporate mind fuck seminar and how it would empower each and everyone of us to do their work effectively. I cannot remember the no doubt horrible jargon used to define this wonderful event. Heaven knows what those seven years of study were about before I got to this point but someone with no idea what I do was going to tell me how to do it, again.
As you walk away your project says "have you seen the deadlines" your heart sinks a little, more late nights beckon. "Well it's 8:40 am and I did manage 10 minutes of work" that is better than some days I suppose... In the corridor we gather, every project leader is here, ain't that dandy. The door opens and we are invited in, croissants on the table "oh fuck", it's one of those. There they are, my worst nightmare, the management consultants, they are smiling, "dear god, please strike them down". You try to find a safe place but still those horrid words pass the wall of apathy "we have lunch on order", oh sweet Jesus, it...is... one of those.
Evidently the last team of management consultants didn't have the desired effect "our mass suicide", so this new bright and shiny group have been brought in to resolve the crisis caused by the previous management consultants. The first slide is up "oh, I have seen that one before, I wonder if they got it from the previous bunch?" I sink into a deep dark place and really just want to cry "my project, wherefore art thou my project". The day drones on, and on, it's the same as before, I damn sure of that one by now. As for the weekend, I believe torture is on order in the form of multiple "focus groups", and can rest assured, once again, anything focused upon will be forgotten within ten minutes the following week. Obviously new management consultants will be needed to really get to the bottom of the problems created by having yet another "torture the employees weekend".
So to protect my own sanity and avoid possible mass murder I did not attend the corporate weekend. I could have lied, I didn't, I told them why, negotiations then commenced, it got ugly, I hired a lawyer to deal with it.
Funnily enough, we do research projects for them still. One has to laugh, it's better than the carnage I had in mind.