As a tsunami of Cretaceous carnage sweeps through over the craton, your intrepid diarist returns from Twitterlandia to the Great Orange Tar Pits with a real-time update on a mass extinction of prehistoric proportions.
We begin with Lachrymosaurus boehnerii whose orange coloration has taken on a distinct pallor as his escape from the miasmic Columbian swamps has once again been thwarted by those meddling GOPasaurs. His dreams of lush days and nights in the limestone Floridian plateau must wait as he struggles to herd a cave full of venomous reptiles, each intent on undermining the other to avoid being tapped as the next Speakersaurus. Dino-distilleries have ramped up production in anticipation of a challenging road ahead.
Kochasaurus littlescottywalker was an easy pick-off for the Grim Reaper, falling through the dino-polls like a meteor hurtling to Earth. Despite massive infusions of funding by his petroleum-drenched benefactors, this hapless creature couldn't deliver, a victim of his limited cerebral capacity and overweening hubris. Unencumbered by success, he returns to the Wisconsinan terrane to wreak further havoc.
Conversely, Bloviasaurus donaldii continues to elude the uber-patient Reaper who is likely letting this dino-drama play itself out on its own. The curiously-plumed B. donaldii is best known for his offensive vocalizations decrying Immigrasaurs, Jurassic journasaurs, fellow GOPasaurs, and other Losersaurs. Evolution, however, has its limits, and B. donaldii has reached them, turning excitement to tedium as the short-attention-span Votersaurs chase their next elusive butterfly of love...
Neurosurgeasaurus carsonii, who has taken the art of offensive vocalizations to unprecedented heights. Unlike B. donaldii, this creature speaks softly, eyes closed, lulling its prey into a sense of calm, convincing them that he and he alone can lead them to his bizarre Yanni-music-filled Utopia. N. carsonii has no intentions of succumbing to extinction. Should he encounter the Grim Reaper, he will simply redirect the Reaper to some other unfortunate bystander while he lives to offend another day.
Extinction is looming for dynastic dino NotMyBrothersaurus jebii who has fallen from presumed POTUS potentate to benighted village idiot in the twinkling of a tiny meteorite. His every utterance is met with quizzical looks by paleo-pundits, and generally ignored by Votersaurs who have made it clear that only the most bombastic of dino-outsiders will win their affection during this curious paleopolitical cycle.
Those seeking bombast would have turned their beady little eyes to Griftasaurus huckabii in olden times. This Arkansaurian ticks all the boxes: angry, Old Testament religion, misogyny, homophobia, faux diabetes cures, offspring who abuse animals. Votersaurs seem to have left G. huckabii in the electoral hinterlands. Even his tryst with Kentuckisaurus kimdavisii wasn't enough to reignite G. huckabii's flickering flame of a campaign.
Follow along below the coprolite for more fossil follies...
Late Cretaceous newcomer AlmostSpeakersaurus mccarthii was here, then gone, preempting the Reaper by taking himself out of contention at the last nanosecond. What caused this sudden tectonic shift is a matter of speculation but the usual GOPasaur failure mode mechanism - extramarital mating rituals - appears the likely explanation. Most inhabitants of the miasmic Columbian swamp knew that A. mccarthii was linked with social-climbing Carolinasaurus ellmerii, a fellow FamilyValuesaur. C. ellmerii, as you may recall, left her Carolinian cave unguarded allowing her AR-15 to be purloined in an act of firearms folly. One can understand that A. mccarthii would be reluctant to terminate a relationship with the armed-and-dangerous C. ellmerii.
Cubanasaurus marcorubio has emerged as a favorite among Votersaurs, in part for his willingness to dissociate himself from fellow Latinosaurs. This hydration-challenged creature has begun to draw the wrath of B. donaldii, but fear not, fossil fans. While old age may beat out youth and skill, results may vary when hubris is introduced into the equation. Expect C. marcorubio to evade the very busy Reaper for a while longer. Reaper's just messin' with him for now.
Calgarysaurus tedcruzii, on the other forelimb, is not to be trifled with. Having invaded from the Canadian Shield, this fiery-tongued velociraptor will not be content until he has brought the American government down in a pile of smoldering ruins. He has already triggered a $24 billion shutdown and won't hesitate to attack again. The Reaper's scythe can't come soon enough for this Mesozoic menace.
Louisianasaurus jindalii teeters on the edge of irrelevance, if not extinction. The self-proclaimed smartest lifeform in the Stupid Party, L. jindalii even attempted to lighten his brown coloration to elude Votersaurs, but they were not buying it. A fitting end to this ClimateDeniersaur would be drowning in a coastal bayou as seas rise, stifling his last cries.
As of this writing, Aynrandasaurus paulryanii continues to elude the Reaper and eschew the Speakership of the seething snake den of the US House of Representatives. A wily coyote before the Age of Mammals, A. paulryanii is saving himself for more important matters, such as taking food from widows and orphans.
Speaking of taking food from widows and orphans, one must not overlook Fiorinasaurus cruelcarlii whose disdain for humanity is unparalleled in the fossil record. Not content to hurl over 30,000 souls into the Silicon Valley Volcano, F. cruelcarlii stiffed campaign workers up to and beyond the grave. Her penchant for revisionist history and outright lies marks F. cruelcarlii as a true GOPasaur, unconcerned for the carnage left in her wake, red in tooth and claw. Whether Votersaurs will embrace this Cruelladevillian monster remains to be seen. The Reaper steers clear of her out of professional respect.
So many fossil fails, so little time. The Reaper is keeping a close eye on Gowdysaurus benghazii, Grandtheftautosaurus darrellissa, and Opportunasaurus jasonchaffii, among others seeking to carve out a leadership niche. As these walnut-brained GOPasaurs turn upon one another, the Reaper can join us and sit back with a cold beer and a bucket of popcorn and enjoy the Cretaceous carnage.