As Darwin, sobbing, shreds his research papers, Republican reptiles rampage across our land, leaving in their wake the smoldering ruins of civil discourse. So alarming is this assault on our craton that your intrepid paleo-pundit has emerged from the mists to provide you, dear readers, with an updated saurian scorecard to make sense of this Mesozoic madness.
Any accounting must begin with Bloviasaurus donaldi, whose meteoric rise to evolutionary favor has astounded scientists, and all sentient beings, really. Easily recognizable by his bombastic vocalizations and bizarre plumage, B. donaldi is on perpetual offense, attacking anyone or anything that dares impede his path to the White Cave. Quick to anger, his bellowing can be heard across the land, striking fear into his enemies and allies alike. Once considered little more than a saurian sideshow, B. donaldi has leveraged his inherited riches to seize and hold the uplands, trampling everything in his path. Beloved by Baggasaurs who would follow him off a cliff (would that it were so), B. donaldi will continue his Reign of Error until he goes extinct or until he has destroyed the party and the country.
At the other end of the vocalization spectrum, we find Libertariasaurus randpauli, whom some researchers believe has entered the witness (or maybe witless?) protection program. L. randpauli endeared himself to stonersaurs for his favorable views towards cannabinoids. Other than that - and the notoriety of his progenitor, L. ronpauli, little is known of this creature's whereabouts or prognosis.
Other quiet contenders include Bayousaurus jindali, self identifying as the savant among the Stupidosaurs. Despite his brown coloration, B. jindali also self identifies as white, in interesting contrast to the Delusiasaur R. donezalii. Like his fellow GOPasaurs, B. jindali is a climate change denier, a fact made utterly ironic by the fact that parts of his deltaic homeland were inundated even in Antediluvian times. Little is expected from this meek contender in the rough-and-tumble world of paleo-politics.
Anything but meek, Jerseysaurus christii continues to bleat loudly, attacking even females and children in his omnidirectional wrath. Once thought by many to have perished during the Bridgegate Extinctions, the wily-if-not-wiry B. christii survived by tossing his closest associates into the volcano. This evolutionary strategy has served The Loud One well, but ongoing examination of the fossil record by his many detractors could trigger new fears of extinction.
Follow along below the coprolite for more Mesozoic madness...
Calgarysaurus tedcruzi has eluded extinction by pre-emptively shutting down the evolutionary process. This unprecedented gambit earned C. tedcruzi the respect of the Baggasaurs, for whom obstruction is a way of life. His fellow GOPasaurs, however, were less amused. C. tedcruzi, rumored to have a more highly evolved intellect than other GOPasaurs, has in actually shown himself to be little more than a Canadian Shield interloper, attacking without notice, then disappearing again. Readers are referred to the research of Dr. Seuss for more in-depth analysis.
Ignoramasaurus scotti would have gone extinct eons ago if not for the Kochasaurs who saw in young Scotty a willing puppet that they could control to their evil ends. Using their endless petroleum-derived wealth, they propelled this hapless creature into the Wisconsinian governorship and through each new phase of their dystopian vision for world domination. In the withering glare of the national spotlight, young Scotty is being revealed as a collegiate failure (even with the benefits afforded by cheating). Nonetheless, some caution against consigning him to the fossil record just yet.
One cannot forget the always entertaining Texasaurus perrii who has once again tossed his Stetson into the ring, this time with enhanced eyesight. Having ceded his power to the very scary Abbotosaurus who is at this very moment fending off the Jade Helm Extinctions, T. perrii now has the time, money and wait... What was that third thing? Well, never mind about that. Building on his Permian Basin "miracles", T. perrii is swaggering through another campaign, this time older but... Yeah. No.
Extinction continues to elude the dynastic Bushasaurs, as a somewhat reluctant Jebasaurus bushii shuffles onto the scene, obeying some indistinct biological imperative. With an evolutionary legacy of economic carnage and squandering of blood and treasure for reasons still unclear, one wonders why J. bushii would subject himself to an exhausting campaign. Then one remembers. His PaleoSuperPAC will enable the vast transfers of wealth that so delight all GOPasaurs.
Speaking of vast amounts of money, one must make mention of Fiorinasaurus carli. The only female among these misogynistic Mesozoic males, F. carli cut her teeth in the Silicon Valley, where she laid waste to tens of thousands of workers, sending their jobs to distant continents while feathering her nest with great wealth. Imagining that she can translate this paleo-fail into a viable candidacy for the White Cave strikes your intrepid reported as more than a little delusional.
Delusions also run deep in Cubanasaurus marcorubio. This frequently-dehydrated Immigrasaur has earned his GOPasaur stripes by living large in his adopted homeland, too large for his means, by some accounts. Naturally, one would expect that C. marcorubio would extend this largesse to fellow immigrants. Naturally, one would be sadly mistaken.
Homophobiasaurus huckabi adds some much needed religious stridency to this field, lamenting the moral decline of the biosphere. By lurching further and further to the Right, this frustrated paleo-preacher will soon reach the edge of the Flat Earth that he inhabits.
There are others, of course, too numerous and frankly too inconsequential to mention. Presiding over this fossil-fail is Ineptasaurus reincei, another highly malleable Kochian protégé. Extinction seemed immediately imminent for this guileless fellow who dared to tell Bloviasaurus trumpi to "tone it down". With elections eons away, expect more of the same fossil follies. Nobody's toning down anything.