When future paleontologists stumble upon the mass graves of late-Cretaceous GOPasaurs, they will discover the true cause of extinction. It won’t be asteroids, volcanoes, or disease. It will be infection arising from preventable, self-inflicted wounds. These slow-witted behemoths simply could not resist the siren song of self destruction.
The most dramatic flame-out will be that of Bloviasaurus donaldii, whose hubris exceeded anything before recorded in the fossil record. This grotesque creature squandered the resources left to him by his progenitor, preyed upon females, defrauded associates, and otherwise besmirched the drainage basin. Despite these Mesozoic missteps, b.donaldii outwitted the Paleo-grim-reaper on many occasions, eluding the extinction so yearned for by his adversaries.
His increasingly profane vocalizations and peculiar orange coloration, mocked by some, were soon accepted as the prevailing societal norm. Like a paleo-pied-piper, b. donaldii amassed a huge following of parasitic hangers-on whose adulation fed his endless narcissistic demands. Even those to whom his behavior was nausea-inducing were caught in his para-charismatic web. So it was that when b. donaldii finally cratered, he took with him many other once-powerful creatures, including…
Indianasaurus secondchoicii, who had agreed to bind himself to The Orange One in a quest for domination of the subcontinent. Selected over the uber-loyal Behemsaurus christii (who had ingratiated himself so shamelessly to b. donaldii in an effort to escape Land Bridgegate), i. secondchoicii seemed at first a very wise choice. A cold-blooded, calculating velociraptor who savaged females in the name of religious purity, he presented a smooth, nicely coiffed exterior straight out of Cretaceous Central Casting.
Also swept away in the carnage was Slackersaurus aynrandi, the GOPasaurian “Speaker” who lacked the willpower to extricate himself from this Mesozoic maelstrom. His paleo-congressional cohorts, also dismayed by b. donaldii’s many shortcomings, were nonetheless resigned to his inevitability. “That meteor keeps getting bigger”, they thought. “Why is that?” Then it hit them. Fortunately, death came quickly.
Cubanasaurus cruzii was not so fortunate. He wisely kept his distance from He Who Shall Not Be Named for eons, yet — inexplicably — capitulated at the last moment to join b. donaldii, a gambit which earned him the contempt of all lifeforms on the craton (and beyond). Fellow Cubanasaurus c. littlemarcorubio, never really a contender, also established himself as a world-class waffler unable to chose which way to turn as the ground opened beneath his feet.
Hypocrisaurus kellyayottii, fearful of losing her tenuous footing on the Granite craton, also waffled and lost, trying in vain to play both sides of the action. Indeed, other female followers were glacially slow in denouncing the crass depravities of b. donaldii, perhaps in hopes that their fawning loyalty would be rewarded with future employment opportunities. The fossil record will show that no such rewards would ever be forthcoming.
Most remarkable among these females was Slovenasaurus melania, whose extinction may have occurred when she disappeared from view after vocalizations harking back to an earlier era. In many species, the role of “wife” includes the function of smoothing out their mate’s rough edges. No one person could have done this for b. donaldii. Indeed, even a vast army fresh from a shopping spree at Black & Decker would quit in dismay.
All of these unfortunates owe their demise to Priebusaurus reinceii, the architect of this Mesozoic mess. P. reinceii created through his negligence a Cretaceous clusterf** of epic proportions that would consume not only the above-mentioned expendable lifeforms, but Republican Life As We Know It. Thus it would fall to Entertainasaurus billybushi to tug on the thread on the saurian sweater and with it, destroy the hopes and dreams of millions of besotted adherents of b. donaldii.